Is my relationship worth saving or is it too late? How do we know if we need couples therapy? When is couples therapy helpful for relationships? Does couples therapy work? If you’re considering couples therapy (or marriage therapy), you’ve likely asked yourself those questions. Let’s take a back road for a minute, and think about relationships in a different way, and we might be able to come around to some of those answers.
When you pick a partner, you pick a story. So what kind of story are you going to write.
– Esther Perel
Why Seek Couples Therapy?
Seeking couples therapy – coming to a therapist’s office with your partner to strengthen or heal a relationship – is something that’s often seen as only needed in a crisis (when that check engine light comes on, or when you’re crashed on the side of the highway). In fact, most couples who are struggling wait upwards of six years before seeking help. The struggle that feels overwhelming looks different for different people. For some, there’s a crisis – infidelity or an ask for separation – and for others, it’s just that feeling of running on empty, and wondering what’s left in the relationship. Maybe you feel like one partner is always in the driver’s seat, and one is just along for the ride, maybe you’re riding in total silence with no idea where you’re going, or constantly screaming about which direction to turn. One of the most important things to keep in mind, as you consider giving couples therapy a try, is that being open to change is the most important predictor of success, no matter the challenge.
Of course, the car metaphor is a simplistic one, but I think it makes sense. Most people come to couples therapy seeking to strengthen or heal their relationship. Couples therapy can be beneficial for new couples – to help build a foundation of trust, commitment, communication and emotional intimacy, and it is beneficial for couples who have been together for years and years. To sustain our relationships over the long term, we need to have a look at our patterns and we need to decide what kind of drivers (and passengers) we are going to be on our life journey – both for the epic sunset cruises and the inevitable bumpy detours that life throws at us. Sometimes, through the therapy process, partners decide that their relationship will end, in which case the goal becomes finding the most amicable final closing chapter.
Our Approach to Couples Therapy
References
Health benefits of sharing feelings: International Journal Of Psychotherapy Practice And Research (2020). “Consequences of Repression of Emotion:Physical Health, Mental Health and General Well Being.”
Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.
Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.
Wampold, B. E. & Brown, G. S. (2005). Estimating therapist variability: A naturalistic study of outcomes in managed care. Journal of Consulting & Developmental Psychology, 73, 914-928.
Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.
About The Author
Jennifer MacDonald B.A., BED., M.Ed., CCC, RCT-C, is one of the registered counselling therapists of the East Coast Psychotherapy & Trauma Clinic. In her 10+ years of experience as a counsellor, she has supported individuals, couples, veterans, and families through all sorts of challenges.
